03/18/2021:
I solved my issue by doing the following:
# UNPLUG THE MACBOOK AND '''LEAVE IT UNPLUGGED UNTIL STEP 9'''
# Use it until until it dies
# Hold shift+control+option+power for 10 seconds (resets the SMC)
# Turn on the MacBook
# Repeat steps 2 through 4 until it stays dead (I had to do this 5 times before it was officially dead)
# Hold shift+control+option+power for 10 seconds (resets the SMC)
# LEAVE THE MACBOOK ALONE FOR A MINIMUM OF 5 HOURS!!!
# Attempt to turn on the MacBook, IF IT DOES NOT TURN ON PROCEED TO STEP 9
# Plug in the MacBook and let it fully charge to 100% , disable anything that prevents this from happening
# Use an app like Coconut Battery to see if things match. If not, try this one more time.
I knew steps 2 through 5 worked because my MacBook would shut off at 62% BUT after the third reset it finally jumped to 6% and I was able to run it unplugged for a ridiculously time. This worked for my 2017 MacBook Pro 13” (two thunderbolt ports) that only had 152 charges on the battery. I used to leave it plugged in pretty much all of its life.